Porn | Husband's Porn Habit Creates Fantasy For Wife (9/8/11)

Dear Amy: My husband and I are in our 60s and have been to three therapists in our 25 years together.

He comes from a prominent and interesting family and loves to talk about himself. Inevitably he charms the therapists (all were women), and they allow him to talk on and on about himself and his family. I try to assert myself, eventually get fed up and quit.

So now, I have several simmering issues I need help with. I am in therapy on my own.

My husband has always enjoyed Playboy and similar magazines. These drive me nuts. I feel they degrade women and often show women in sexually abusive situations.

Now he has begun looking at porn online. I'm enraged. When I walk in on him and see him doing this, I can't breathe for a day. I fantasize about getting away from him forever.

My therapist implies that this is normal male behavior and that I should avoid walking in on him by calling out in advance or by knocking.

Can you help? - Distraught

Dear Distraught: Even though viewing pornography is increasingly common, I disagree with your therapist that this is "normal male behavior."

In addition to other legitimate concerns (such as the dehumanizing view of women), pornography desensitizes people to actual (versus virtual) sexual experiences.

I read a study recently showing how repeated viewing of pornography affects the chemistry of a person's brain, creating a "high" that is increasingly difficult to duplicate in "real" life.

If you continue to feel like a second-class citizen in your marriage, your other option is to make your own fantasy a reality.

Dear Amy: Last week I interviewed for a job opening in a different department at my company. The two-hour interview went great; we have similar goals and had worked together in the past.

Two days after the interview, I received a four-sentence e-mail, copying the interviewer's boss and our HR manager, informing me that I did not get the job. She wrote that she "went in another direction."

I was shocked. I immediately sent an e-mail back thanking her for the opportunity and asking for suggestions on what I could've done better or what training would be helpful - basically, I was asking for feedback of any sort.

I haven't heard back, of course. After I sent the e-mail, I broke down in tears.

Last month I also applied for an in-house position. My interviewers told me in person that I wasn't selected and offered to help me with other opportunities. I felt respected, appreciated and valued.

Is e-mail an accepted way to tell someone she hasn't been selected? - Appalled

Dear Appalled: E-mail is acceptable for this purpose. It creates a record of the interchange, for one thing, and the phrase "We went in another direction" is code for just about anything.

I once interviewed extensively for a job and then when I hadn't heard anything for more than a week, I called the person who interviewed me and he replied, "Oh - yeah. I hired a guy younger than you. He went to Harvard. You know how it is. He started yesterday. Sorry, I guess I should have told you."

Boy, I wish I'd had that one in writing.

Write to askamy@tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.