You column is not just a daily diversion, it's also a great resource. As I'm facing relationship uncertainty, I find myself wishing you were a friend, so I'm writing for your friendly advice.
A month ago I broke things off with my boyfriend of six months. We are both in our mid-30s, never-married, no kids. He is extremely easy to get along with, we never had any arguments, and got along wonderfully. He's a great guy: considerate, extremely competent, good-natured, even-tempered, fun, funny, successful, responsible, and helpful. We are both independent professional types but whenever we had free time we would generally spend it together. He would often arrange weekend trips away for us, which I loved. The issue was that he wasn't expressive or very affectionate. Also, a month ago, while we were both away on business trips, I didn't hear from him for a week. He was unreachable. This wasn't the first time this happened. A month previous to this incident, he disappeared for two days when we were supposed to get together. I had a serious talk with him at that time. He said he was very sorry, he screwed up -- but as I mentioned above, it happened again. During that week, I won an award for a project that meant a lot to me and it was dampened by the fact that my boyfriend had disappeared again and I couldn't share this great news with him.
We talked when we both got home. He felt bad, had excuses, and apologized. I had made up my mind that it was over and I broke up with him. I told him that the combination of the disappearing and lack of affection was too hard on me. I told Joe that I can tell when a guy is crazy about me and I could tell he wasn't, that he didn't seem that curious about me (wouldn't he want to know whether or not I won the award?). I told him he didn't seem all that willing to be a part of my life or make me a part of his (I had never met his friends, family and vice versa). He replied "I know I'm not affectionate, I guess I show it in other ways." When I asked him if he was "crazy about me" Joe replied, "I don't' know what that means. I think that comes with time. I know I like spending time with you." That was about as expressive as he got.
Now, a month later, I'm still upset. I miss him terribly. I liked my life better with him in it. I loved him and still do. I'm wondering if in a rash moment I ended things too soon. I am still surprised and hurt that he walked away without talking me out of the break up, or making a grand gesture. Rational me knows grand gestures are not how an even-keeled man operates and I knew what I was doing. Now I don't know if I did the right thing. So much about him is very much what I want in a partner. Should I have given this another chance? Should I have tried to work with him on being more expressive and affectionate or do people not really change? Should I just move forward or should I go back and try to work things out with him? Thank you for your advice.
(By the way, a week after our break up he was already active on a dating website.)
- Severed Ties Too Soon, Houston
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