Sex | Lisa's Laws: Same-sex Marriage Laws, State By State

To be honest, I've completely lost track of which state has which marriage laws.

Here in New York, as I write, same-sex marriage remains; it just doesn't happen here. Even though, in 2004, a slew of same-sex couples got married in New Paltz, their unions were, well, later, well, de-recognized.

Right now only five states - Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire and Vermont - boast marriage equality. Then there are a few where civil unions or domestic partnerships are recognized. Sometimes the same-sex couple gets all the rights afforded to one-man/one-woman relationships, sometimes not.

Still more have laws against same-sex marriage, and some - Montana and North Dakota among them - have constitutional bans.

And the funnest part of all this is that no state is obligated to recognize a marriage, or civil union, or domestic partnership performed in another. So if you got married in Vermont and then drove cross-country on your honeymoon, you'd be married then not married then married and not married then maybe "in a partnership" countless times before you hit the coast. (But I suggest you bypass Utah. It's not particularly friendly. You can, though, marry your first cousin but only if you're over 55 and can prove yourself to be "incapable of reproduction." You can also get married if you're as young as 15. So it's not as if Utah doesn't believe in romance. They just insist that it be man-woman romance.)

Meanwhile, it seems that the whole matter of same-sex marriage will remain up to individual states, at least for the time being. President Obama, who ended Don't Ask Don't Tell, hasn't really taken on gay marriage. This is too bad, given the complicated hodgepodge of laws and statutes and confusion the current system has created. It seems in desperate need of improvement, and as it is, denies a good number of Americans the equal benefits and protections enjoyed by married couples, from hospital visitation rights to insurance protections.

It's also a system in which prejudice and discrimination can enjoy a bit of license, even at times when compassion should be the only response.

Consider John Millican and his partner, Terrance James, of Arkansas, which has a law banning same-sex marriages, and in November 2004 passed a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage.

John died June 11 of spinal meningitis, and Terrence, who made the decision to end life support, was the only one with him when he died. It was Terrence who submitted John's obituary to the Batesville Daily Guard, their local paper.

But when the obit was published Terrence's name was left out. Others - John's dead parents and his siblings - were included among the survivors, but not the man with whom he had shared his life and home for a decade.

The paper explained the omission.

"It's not a gay thing," the newspaper's general manager, Pat Jones, told a reporter. The obits are free, and, according to the paper's policy only legally recognized spouses get their names in. No unmarried couples like John and Terrence, the manager explained. Or pets.

Lisa@lisaslaws.com